It's a beautiful mornin'...

Hey all, I have three things to help you ring in this new week and I hope they're as good for you as they are for me.

First, I'm guest posting today for the second time in nearly as many weeks for another good friend Penelope. This time, I won't be writing about how scared I am to guest post, I swear. Nothing cheesy like that. Nope, no cheese... just w(h)ine. So click on through and check it out.

Itsmepenelopegreece

Second, I'm prepping for Davecago 2 (it's 3... sorry) this weekend! That should be great. Okay, correction... I don't think "should" is the proper thing to say as it's Dave coming to town. More like "will." It's always fun when Dave comes to town. And I do believe Katie and I will both be there. Anybody else planning to be in attendance?

Davecago

Third, I've got a fun little joke for you courtesy of my wife. It's a long one, so to keep my homepage a bit uncluttered, I'm putting it in the extended post.

New Office Policy (effective August 2008)

Dress Code:

  1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
  2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
  3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
  4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's note statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 Personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

  • Skinny People get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
  • Normal Size People get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
  • Chubby People get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

--The Management

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Comments

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August

That's hilarious but also a little scary. Don't let this code get into the wrong hands.

I won't be at Dave-cago. Try to have a great time without me.

Robin

I can see us having those rules here someday...seriously.

Marie

Hahahahaha!!! That's an awesome joke! Hope you don't mind, but I'm forwarding it to my friends at work!

Nilsa

Davecago 2? When was Davecago 1? And why does he have to come to town when I'm busy up to my ears in wedding shower fluff? Sorry I won't be able to attend, but I expect a full recap next week.

And that work stuff? I'm going to post it at work. Where all our Equal Opportunity Work crap is posted. See if anyone notices. hahaha.

kapgar

August, we will try.

Robin, scary, isn't it?

Marie, forward away!

Nilsa, Davecago 1 was last August although he's been out here other times too. But last August was the first official one. I'd love to hear if anybody notices that. Let me know.

Sheila (Charm School Reject)

I've lurked on Dave's page recently but not enough to be welcomed into the Davecago2 Festivies - of course, this doesn't matter as I will be on a whirlwind trip to Tennessee.

I will have to show that to my boss - this appears to be his policy. lol

sandra

Why do I always miss DaveCago?

kapgar

Sheila, you'd be welcome. I think both Kim and diane will be there, too. Dave welcomes everyone! Seriously. He loves meeting bloggers.

sandra, you gotta plan better!

Eileen Dover

I am VERY tempted to come to Chicago this weekend, however I would have chitlens in tow and chitlens do not make fine dinner company.

(There's also an Aussie football game that starts at 4pm, one kid has a birthday party, I have plans for brunch early Sunday morning, and basically, already have a full weekend. DAMMIT.)

I really, really, really want to be there, though!

PS. I want to post Katie's office policy in our break room at work.... trouble is, I know there are people who will think it's serious.

kapgar

It's a pizza place early on (or so I'm told), so it wouldn't be terrible. JK. If you do happen to find a free moment, call me. My cell is (xxx) xxx-xxxx (edited to protect the not-so-innocent). I can tell you where we are.

Sybil Law

I am close enough that I could come to Davecago, but my friend is coming into town from England. Dammit!
Anyway, that joke is hilarious!
You guys have a great time and take pictures!

Winter

That's so funny I copied it to send to the HR manager where I work. Okay, she's a friend and she's gonna laugh her employee handbook off!

Lisa

Have fun at Davecago!

The New Office Policy is absolutely hysterical. I love stuff like that because even though it's a joke, it's crazy enough to be close to the truth at some companies.

kapgar

Sybil, bring your English friend along! ;-)

Winter, I used to have some friends in HR at an old job, I should send it to them.

Lisa, it scares me how close to reality it can be.

Gary LaPointe

I'll be there. I'll be taking the train from Michigan...

Isn't this DaveCago III ?

kapgar

Well, you'd think it would be. But this is the second time it's been called Davecago, I think. I just remember when he first announced this series of trips, he called it 2. Oh well. Maybe it has to do with the name badges.

Dave2

Nooooo... this is DAVECAGO 3!!

You were at #1 and #2... were they that forgettable?!? I even have you in pictures!

You can always go to the Dave Event page and click the pictures to get to the write-up of what you've forgot!

http://www.blogography.com/event.html

kapgar

I know I was at both. I didn't think the first one was called Davecago, though. And I swore I saw somewhere on your site in the last few months that you called it Davecago 2, this upcoming one, that is.

Dave2

But... but... but... there were lanyards and everything!! Lanyards that said DAVECAGO!! They were the FIRST lanyards!

Ah well... we'll always have Davecago 2! :-)

kapgar

I didn't get a lanyard at Davecago. Just #2. What I now recognize as #2 anyway. And apparently the lanyard says it too.

Rory

Did your wife make this up? A co-worker emailed me this (apparently it's going around the office) and I had to remind him that I told him about it a few weeks ago.

kapgar

Rory, nah, she didn't make it up. She just sent it to me. Although I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking the credit for it. ;-)

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