Look out, here comes the Spider-Pig...
It won't begin until you make it end...

No one's gonna stop...

To the idiot sitting at the four-way intersection motioning at me to walk faster through the crosswalk who is also lurching his car forward to emphasize his impatience yesterday, I have a lesson in what we know as the Rules of the Road.

Shall we discuss the situation at hand?

I was waiting to cross the street. There were cars coming from all directions. All of them came to legal stops. I waited through a few of them, probably more than I needed to. When I felt the time was right, I began my journey into the crosswalk.

Apparently, you did not agree with my assessment that "the time was right" or you would not have been waving me on, edging closer to my knees.

I'll be upfront with you, I don't like people who do this. There, it's out. The truth has been told. I have injured my knees enough times without the aid of mechanized equipment. I really would not appreciate you reinjuring them at all. Seriously. You're in a piece of shit Mercedes coupe. I don't like your car and would be more than willing to pound my fists in the hood leaving a dent in your overpriced hunk of fiberglass crap. It may not be a huge dent, but it will be enough that you will 1) cry like a simpering baby; and 2) have to pay a couple thousand dollars in repair costs for the entire hood. I won't be paying one red cent for your damages. Trust me on that one. I can fake a fall and limp with the best of them. Enough to make everyone else at that intersection side with me.

Oh, and I hate idiots. That's a point that's been made abundantly clear here on my blog.

Now, how about we discuss what you did wrong.


This is a STOP SIGN. Say it with me, "Stop... Sign."

According to the Illinois Rules of the Road (chapter 7)...

This eight-sided red sign means stop. You must make a complete stop at the stop line. If there is no stop line, stop before entering the crosswalk. If there is no crosswalk, stop before entering the intersection. Yield the right-of-way to pedestrians and approaching traffic. If it is a four-way STOP sign, wait your turn.

So what exactly does "stop" mean, just in case you're that much of an idiot? According to Merriam-Webster, "stop" means "to arrest the progress or motion of  : cause to halt   <stopped the car>."

I can understand how this might be a tough concept to grasp especially when a rolling stop will save you a few whole seconds of drive time. I've also heard how some people learn better through the use of mnemonics. In this case, I'm going to employ a reverse acronym system. What I mean is that while some people learn several words by creating an acronym of their first letters, I'm going to give you a four-word phrase to help you remember our special word of the day and what it means. Sound good?

"Stop" has four letters. S-T-O-P. So here we go...





= Sit = Tight = Overanxious = Prick

I really hope this helps. My only goal here is to educate and inform. I want to make this world more pleasant for all of us who have to suffer at the hands of insufferable bastards like yourself.

Now let's put all this unpleasantness behind us, okay? Next time we see each other, maybe we can smile and wave like nice citizens. Sound like a deal? And please retract that middle finger while doing so.

Totally Unrelated Aside (TUA): And how are Katie and I spending this evening? At The Party That Shall Not Be Named, of course! And tomorrow is day three of the Kapgar Summer Concert Series with Rocco DeLuca and the Burden at the House of Blues in Chicago! Totally loaded weekend that we're gonna love!