Don't stand so close to me...

I truly cannot believe that I have to do this, but, here we go...

Kapgar's Rules of Gym Etiquette

1. If someone is in the middle of what looks like an intensive workout, do not try striking up a conversation with them. They are there to work out, not talk. When a person is in the gym with the intent of talking or flirting, you'll know. They will be halfassing it on machines, sashaying (not walking) around looking at everybody and everything... pretty much anything but really working out. Focus in on those people if you wanna talk, 'kay? When I'm working out the way I normally do, it's a struggle just to put together "hi... how... you... doin'... to... day?" Just nod or wave and move on and do your own thing.

2. It's understandable to smell a little bit after a workout. That's what sweating does to a person. But when you come into the gym smelling like you've spent the entire day rolling around in cow patties and you haven't even worked out yet, you might want to consider new workout clothes and a pre-workout shower. This is more for our sake than yours. The next time I have to sit in close quarters with someone that smells like rhino dung again, I'm going to club them with dumbbells.

3. Talking in a locker room is fine. I know some people have a problem with being naked and talking to other people of the same gender in a locker room. I'm okay with it, though. But, please, do not stand there naked in front of me dripping wet because you just took a shower and then attempt to show me yoga positions. Wrong on more levels than I care to count.

4. Some people do go to the gym in an attempt to work themselves out of cold or flu symptoms. So I can understand that, once in a while, you may be hacking up the proverbial lung while exercising. I don't like it, but I can accept it, so long as it's more of a rarity than the norm. However, when you've been doing this every day for more than two years, it might be time to see your doctor. And, for God's sake, make sure you cover your mouth every time you hack and bring your own towel and stop using the ones that the gym provides if it's going to be your personal gag rag! Those get washed and reused, dammit!

5. If you see several people in line behind you waiting to check in to the gym and there are only a couple towels left, please just take one. I am a big guy and I somehow manage to dry off after my shower using a single towel. So it kills me when I see some stick figure of a human being taking two neck towels for their workout and two body towels for their shower consequently leaving nothing for anyone else.

6. Stop trying to watch my video iPod over my shoulder as I'm working out! Get your own, you nervewracking sonsabitches! (to adapt a line from Billy Bob Thornton in Tombstone).

Soapbox dismounted.