And I swear...

I know it's a couple days after the fact, but better late than never to report to you all on my New Year's Resolution. Mostly because I'm going to need your help with it.

I resolved, as per a request from Katie, to curb my swearing. Yes, I do tend to swear here and there. Alright, I'm a flippin' truck driver. And I told her I would try to tone down my language a bit. We have friends who all have kids who, much like the tyke from Meet the Fockers, have brains like sponges. God only knows what wonderfully flowery language they might pick up from Uncle Kapgar.

It ends here and now. Well, actually it ended two days ago at 12:01 a.m. And, when I violate the resolution, a quarter goes in our swear jar. I've already put a buck in so far.

But, and here's where I need your help, I'm extending this resolution to include my blog and comments I leave on other blogs as well.

NyresolutionI'm placing a button in the menubar on my homepage that reads "Report a New Year's Resolution Violation" that will link back to this post. Feel free to report legitimate violations of my New Year's Resolution here or elsewhere that date after January 1, 2007, in the comments to this post. If possible, please link to the specific violation as proof. No forging comments that are "from me" as I will know.

Here are the specifics...

  • H-E-double-hockeysticks -- no no
  • Dam that is not of the beaver (animal) or Hoover variety -- nuh uh
  • The four-letter, fecal-related word beginning with "s" -- nope
  • The A, B or F words -- not allowed
  • I can't even use beyo$%^

I can, however, use ones that come from, say, Johnny Dangerously (fargin', icehole, somonabatch, etc.). Those are allowed as per Katie. I can also use "heck," "darn," "dang," "shiznit," "Shiitake Mushrooms" (thank you, Spy Kids), and any number of other less-fun words and variants in the English language.

Speaking of "English language," I may have to get a ruling on Spanish cursing. I do have a degree in that language, after all.

So hold me to it, will ya? This will only work if people call me on it.

Good thing the NFL season's almost done. That's a big source of my rampant swearing.

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Comments

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Nat

Good luck with that... I go through phases with the swear my personal favourite is the combination of mother with F-word... or preceded by a certain religiou figure... it was all well and good until my then 3 year old decided to use it himself. At my parents house... not good.

N.

BA

I agree with Nat. Good luck with that one. I know that when I get one of those profoundly silly documents that I often do from opposing counsel, it's pretty hard to avoid, "This is complete crap" or something of that ilk. Be sure to let us know about the reported violations...assuming the details don't also constitute violations;)

suze

what about frack? can you use frack? It's not as satisfying as that other f word, but it's not a bad substitute. Or so I've found...

good luck with that. i too swear, probably more than i should....

Dagny

I have a tendency to swear in Spanish these days. And might I suggest a form of sign language. Some of my coworkers and I have devised a system of sign language so that we can curse in front of the kids.

Karl

I'm with Suze. Surely you can use BSG's "frak." Go with God, my son. You're a better man than I am. No f**king shit.

kilax

We are still allowed to swear here... right?!?!!

Don't worry Kevin, we will help you kick this nasty habit! Unfortunately, it is something I need to work on too. Steven says I have the mouth of a sailor.

ms. sizzle

because you are my friend, i will support you in this endeavor...meaning i will swear double for you!

;) sizz

Johnny C.

Why don't you just curse when it is appropriate? Sometimes those words are needed to make a point.

Word.

diane

Hee hee. Good luck Kevin--I love the "report a resoultion violation" button. :)
I just mentioned in my own blog how much I favor creative swears. I'm happy to contribute my own special blend of non-swear swears if you need to use them. Such as...
Toast! (in place of the S*** word)
Nuggets! (in place of nuts, which isn't really that bad)
Gorilla Munch! (generally insulting term)
Fig jam! (also generally insulting term)

sandra

No Spanish cursing!

kapgar

Nat, that would be Katie's fear. Just like the kid in Meet the Fockers.

BA, I'll let you guys know about the violations somehow. Of course, you can always periodically check the link just to see.

Suze, I like it. I'll have to ask.

Dagny, the obvious sign won't work. And legitimate ASL won't work either as Katie speaks it. Grr...

Karl, yeah, I might have to ask about Frak. Don't see how it can hurt.

Kilax, you can swear here all you want, Sailor Girl.

Sizzle, thank you for your support in my time of need.

Johnny, won't work. I owe money when that happens.

Diane, I LIKE THOSE! I can just imagine running around yelling "NUGGETS!"

Sandra, mucho darn-o!

Hilly

*snort*

I *may* be the wrong person to help you with this....however, I will gladly report your ass if I see any slippage; I have your back like that ;).

I learn alterna-swears when I go to my nephew's so fudgemonkey is big, as is the holey schmoley which blew Karl out of the water!

Elaine

Swearing in Spanish is sometimes even more fun because people have no idea what you're saying and you can call them whatever you want. I must say though, "shiz-nit" seems to be pushing a bit dontcha think? OF course, Katie is the master ruler on all things cursing so what do I know ;)

kapgar

Hilly, he was blown out of the water by holey schmoley? Why?

Elaine, I may have misheard her on shiz-nit. I'll have her rejudge it tonight when she gets home from work.

Erin

I've always been fond of monkey-plucker and son of a monkey. Very satisfying. Good luck! I usually give up swearing for Lent, and don't even make it to Wednesday night. I'll try again this year, I'm sure.

javajabber

Of course, Frakking is the profanity of the future ... so I use it a lot these days.

Judas Priest ... which was a favorite of my father's for many years. What it's used for depends on where you accent the syllables when saying it. For example: JuDAS PRiest can mean holy shit. JUdas PriEST can mean holy frakking shit. You get the idea.

I have a gutter mouth, and at times a garbage mouth. It comes from having four brothers, a loose sister (sorry sis), and a baby sister that I loved to shock the hell out of often.

But, I'm trying to curb my language as well. Since I have stopped smoking in the last couple of days, it's not going well.

claire

Some of the best curses ever do not rely on swears at all.

A personal fave overheard from a random 12/13 yr old girl: I'm gonna jam matchsticks in your eyes and light 'em on fire.

I've yet to use it, but the imagery is so vivid, much more resonant than your typical fuck you. Bone up on your Shakespeare... loads of imaginative cursing there...

Eve

I would be completely broke by now if that was my resolution.

Good luck, dude.

jacquie

Sean doesn't let me swear either. If a person is alone in a forest and stubs his toe on a tree stump and lets out a few choice words, is he still swearing????

kapgar

Erin, but what did that monkey do to you?

java, you're mixing giving up swearing and smoking at the same time? Are you psychotic?

Claire, hmmm... good idea.

Eve, yeah, good thing there is a library or I'd likely never get any albums this year.

Jacquie, the answer to that question probably is a good indicator of your level of consideration for your fellow man. Gah! Why did my internal philosopher decide to show his ugly head?!?!

nicole

Well what the fuck? I'm so disappointed in you. Swearing is fun!

Dagny

Ooo. I was just reminded of one of my faves from the kids -- "Shut the front door." Say it a few times quickly. hehe

kapgar

Nicole, sorry to disappoint you.

Dagny, that could work. But I have a feeling I may slip if I use it too often.

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