In between I drink black coffee...

Throughout your high school and college years, you may have any number of part-time jobs to fill the time and give you that necessary extra cash to buy the little luxuries that you'll never be able to afford again (God bless rent-free living with your parents at that age).

I had a boatload of jobs: waiting tables, register jockey, customer service, telemarketing, slave labor, you name it.

But one of the most interesting experiences I had was working at Starbucks Coffee.

I know many of you live and die by the caffeinated sea nymph (sorry to steal back a line I used on your site, Alissa). I was a late bloomer when it comes to coffee. I didn't discover this nectar of goodliness until my sophomore year of college when a friend took me to Gloria Jean's for my first real taste. I never became hooked, but I enjoy it once in a while. It's a great wake up call when you need it. Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like a grande double-shot red eye, no room.

One summer, I decided to get a job at the world's finest purveyor and it was quite a learning experience. No, not the interview process. That was actually relatively normal despite my comment on Pauly's site.

The interesting part was the learning process when drawing espresso shots.

True coffee connoisseurs will tell you that there is, in fact, a perfect shot of espresso. People are quite picky about it: the age and temperature of the beans, the grind setting, the way the grounds are tamped in the filter, the temperature of the water, the length of time taken to pull it. Considering how much people will pay for a simple shot of espresso, I guess they have the right to be picky. So learning how to pull the perfect shot is essential to your employment at Starbucks.

And the learning process involves drawing repeated shots until the supervisor watching over you is sufficiently impressed with all the above listed features. Everything must be perfect. And no one-off shots, either. If you do it once, you must be able to do it several more times to make sure it wasn't just some fluke.

Oh, and did I mention that we are required to drink every single shot we pull to make sure it tastes right?

Yes, they start strong. Shots one and two can be rough if you're not that familiar with espresso. Three and four just slide down your throat like candy. You become a bit numb after five and six. And I truly doubt you'll have any memory of numbers seven and eight as you won't even be sitting still long enough to realize that you're drinking something. Anything after that may as well be embalming fluid. You'll be dead from caffeine overload. All the while your fellow baristas are snickering behind your back.

I really don't know how I pulled through that particular day. It was rough. No, not the imbibing of liquid crack so much as the subsequent caffeine crash. That was horrible. About 45 minutes after my final shot and my bout of floating in tightly wound circles eight inches off the ground, I hit rock bottom.

You remember when Wile E. Coyote would fall off a cliff after chasing the Road Runner? The long fall, the crash, the puff of smoke? It all happens during a caffeine crash. I swear I even remember Porky Pig waving me off with a "B-dee, b-dee, b-dee, that's all, folks!" It wasn't pretty.

I do not recommend it. If you never listen to another thing I say... er "type"... just trust me on this one.

Comments

[BA]

Forcing new employees to take six shots of espresso, eh?

"Allow me to give you my card. Wile E. Coyote. Genius."

Is that burned coffee beans I smell or a class action?

[Alissa]

When I was in High School I worked at a coffee shop/bagel shop. There were a bunch of "ravers" empoloyeed there as well, on Saturday mornings some of us had to start as early as 6am, so whomever was working the espresso machine in the morning, would line up shots along the counter with soda chasers next to them. We would do a shot every half hour or so. By the time my shift ended, I would be shaking and ready to pass out!

[Anomie-Atlanta]

I worked at an independent coffee shop in Lexington, KY. All of our customers were into coffee lingo. If I ever hear anyone talk about the crema on a shot of expresso again I may spit on them.

[Bre]

My lord, I'm jittery just thinking about it!

[ms. sizzle]

just another reminder of why i gave the coffee crack up. love the taste, can't stand how it makes me feel. the crash IS the worst.

[*lynne*]

oh. my. gawd. remind me to NOT EVER apply for a job at Starbucks! [I'm a Coffee Bean fan myself, actually.... anyone know if THEY have similar draconian practices?? Of course they are based over in California and neighbouring states, so I don't think I'd have the opportunity to work for them anytime in the near future... but just wondering....]

[Kevin]

BA, it's coffee hazing, I tell ya.

Alissa, soda chasers, really? Never tried that before.

Anomie-Atlanta, even as a barista, I never used the word "crema."

Bre, I don't blame you.

Sizzle, also why I only drink it every once in a while.

lynne, I love the word "Draconian." Great word.

[Tracy Lynn]

I worked at a place called the Elvis Room in Portsmouth and not only did we drink the product, but also Tab and ate the choco espresso beans. My memory of that job is one long hummmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[Dagny]

At my first real job, we brewed ground expresso in the coffee pot. I would drink two large mugs daily. By the early afternoon I would have to go to the vending machine for a Dr. Pepper due to the caffeine crash. My co-workers starting to threaten to limit my caffeine intake.

Oh, and when you were in San Francisco, did you go to Peet's? Mmmmm. Peet's.

[claire]

Ugh. Not being a coffee drinker, that makes me kind of ill to read.

I worked at a bookstore a few years back which had a cafe- the company was so uptight that drinking anything you made (even if it was a mistake) was considered stealing if you didn't pay for it.

[Kevin]

Tracy Lynn, oh God. Did you hate yourself or something? All that stuff in combination?

Dagny, coffee and DP? Were you out of your mind? What's Peet's?

Claire, that's just not right. It's effectively water. You'd think they can spare a bit for employees. Or at least be forgiving. Not good.

[claire]

The one time I got to try something for free was when it was a new drink, and that was just a small shot of it.

They even hired shoppers to put cashiers in positions where they might steal so they could bust them. I once got stuck being a sort of "make sure there's no sexual harassment" witness while the detective-type guy interrogated a woman who worked at the cafe (I was the only other woman working that day). Man did that suck.

[Karl]

Wow, eight shots of espresso. Your eyes must have looked far more crazed than usual.

[Dustin]

My one failure as a true Pacific North Westerner is that I don't drink coffee. I did one time, in an attempt to counter-act some benadryl I had taken for allergies...boy that was fun.

I do, however, drink Mocha Frappaccinos. Some people attempt to tell me that this is indeed drinking coffee, but seeing as how I am a North Westerner and thereby genetically endowed with knowledge of all things coffee related, I also know that they are both wrong and idiots.

[Kevin]

Claire, that's not right that they tried to suck you in as , effectively, a narc. Not good.

Karl, quite psychotic indeed.

Dustin, it is not the same. Katie drinks those but despises coffee. So obviously they are exclusive of one another.

[kilax]

That is awful. I can't believe that would make you do that! Did it put you off espresso for life? I already cannot drink coffee, it makes my stomach turn. I love its smell when it is a good batch though...

[SJ]

I find the best way to avoid caffeine crash is a continuous intake of caffeine in various forms. But then I am the QUEEN of coffee addicts, and Bret is the king. We take our own blend of beans and a grinder with us when we travel.

Gloria Jean's! That's where I first tasted chai tea. They also had to-die-for giant brownies. (Ours closed a few years ago.)

[RW]

Starbucks is a symbol of evil.

[Kevin]

Kilax, not as awful as I make it sound. Not like it was legitimate hazing. They just wanted us to know what it should taste like. I never had to do it again. But I do still like espresso in my red eyes. Don't think I could pull a good one anymore, though.

SJ, I think there are still a few around here. I know the closest one to us is gone. But I think my first one is still around. I'll take Coke for my daily intake. And even that I should cut back on.

RW, I remember that one. And on that point, I agree with you.