You're a mean one, Mister Grinch...

Can somebody please explain to me what I did to piss off Hollywood so badly?

I don't know what it is, but it seems like every time I tune in to some TV show or movie, there is a bastard of a character and his name is Kevin.

Why? What did I do to you, Screenwriter's Guild of America, to deserve having my name dragged through the mud like this?

Kevin was always a good name. It was gentle. It was kind. It was very Irish and everyone loves Ireland, right?

Several months ago, I watched Sin City for the first time, and that was the first time I began to notice this downward trend where "Kevin" was akin to "evil."

This particular Kevin was played by Elijah Wood. He was a frightfest to say the very least. Creeping around with his Coke-bottle glasses, impervious to any physical pain whatsoever. Yet more than willing to dish it out when Marv hasn't already splayed him against a tree.

I was happy to see that namesaker die.

Despite it being bad teenage melodrama, Katie and I still can't stop watching The O.C. I admit it, it's a guilty pleasure. Wha'cha gonna do about it (aside from Chase who will revoke my Man Card)? We watch it and we'll keep watching it. Everyone needs a little camp in their life, right?

Well, lately, Marissa (Mischa Barton) has been dating yet another bad boy. Go fig, right? This one's name is Volchok (Cam Gigandet) and he's just a badass surfer dude. Everything that no self-respecting Orange County girl should like, but typically does. I was fine with his character. If he was responsible for Marissa's untimely demise on the show... great.

However, as of a few weeks ago, I no longer wanted him to be quite so "bad." Care to guess why? I discovered his first name is Kevin. Gee, go friggin' figure!

Now I just want him to turn over a new leaf and be a good guy. Maybe bring Marissa back from the brink. The brink of what, I'm not quite sure. The writers have alluded to many potential scenarios. But I want none of them to involve Mr. Kevin Volchok.

Even Jason Bateman played a badguy named Kevin in the 2004 remake of Starsky & Hutch. C'mon, man! That's just not right.

With these three under my belt, I decided to perform an IMDb search for characters named Kevin. Yes, there are a ton; but I sifted through them nonetheless. I had a bone to pick and Hollywood was my target.

I take issue with the following Evil Kevins:

• Kevin O'Donnell in Patriot Games - Patrick Bergin portrayed Kevin O'Donnell, the leader of a rogue branch of the IRA, opposite Harrison Ford's Jack Ryan. Not only does he give Kevins everywhere a bad name, but he's even single-handedly ruined the good Irish Kevin image I alluded to earlier. Bastard!
• Kevin Carroll on 24 - in the first season of this masterpiece, a character named Kevin Carroll (played by Richard Burgi whom you all may know as Susan's ex-husband, Karl, on Desperate Housewives) did his level best to try to off our hero Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland).
• Kevin O'Donnell in Coyote Ugly - dear God, another one?!?! This Kevin O'Donnell, played by Adam Garcia, was bad simply because of how he misled poor Jersey bumpkin, Violet (Piper Perabo), into believing he was a record producer. The prick!
• Kevin Buckman in Parenthood - this was one of Steve Martin's kids in the movie. He wasn't a bad guy... just not all there. Terrible in sports, horrible in social situations, prone to emotional breakdowns, you name it. Actually, this is probably the closest portrayal to my own real self and that's why I hate him.
• Kevin on Veronica's Closet - I don't know if he's "evil," per se; but he's played by Scott Baio. That's bad enough.

I want to see a return to the days where Jeff Bridges played Kevin Flynn in Tron. Better yet, how about when Fred Savage was Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years? Or, the only really positive portrayal of a Kevin in recent years... Michael J. Fox as Dr. Kevin Casey on Scrubs a few seasons back. Can it get any better than that?

This was when "Kevin" was synonymous with "hero" and "good guy."

Kevin was a guy you brought home to mom. A man you looked up to in the E.R. A guy whose shoulder you could cry on when your current relationship hit the skids. The person you could reliably turn to in a lightcycle race against Sark.

Kevin was good, Kevin was dependable, Kevin was fair... even if it was in a Master Control Program far, far away.

Comments

[Eve]

Fear not, I don't think "Kevin" has become synonymous with "evil character" in the minds of the American public just yet, so I think you're safe...for now. Actually, when I think of "Kevin" I just can't help but also think "Bacon." So, in my mind, the only thing Kevin's are guilty of is being footloose.

And with that, I tried to do a trackback to this entry. I'm not sure I did it right or what have you, but I tried. If it doesn't show up in your trackbacks, the URL for my entry is HERE, maybe you can clue me in on what I did wrong.

[ms. sizzle]

kevin, you are still all the best things about a kevin. don't you fret! :)

[sandra]

Scott Baio = camp...if that helps.

[Pauly D]

The name KEVIN also contains three out of four letters that are needed to create the word EVIL. So, I think that's why, as a screenwriter, they always choose KEVIN and EVIE and VELOSO as evil characters.

[Eve]

...red-shirted ensign...

AH HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! You mean, the expendable, go down on an away mission and don't come back alive red-shirted ensigns?

Ok, time for redemption. I'm going to turn this whole Kevin thing around for you, ok? Dig it:

Kevin McAllister, Macaulay Culkin's character in Home Alone.

C'mon, how badass did he go on those burglars? BADASS!!!!! And it was all in self-defense.

So, there you go.

[Eve]

Ok, I tried to redeem, but as Pauly D pointed out, you and I are destined to be evil...

[mikey]

I'll even give you one more for your Hollywood shit list.

Kevin Spacey- John Doe in se7en truely Evil.

[Rabbit]

I love Kevin Spacey. Kevins are ok in my book.

[Kevin]

Sizzle, thanks! I appreciate it! I'll always be "Good Kevin" to those who are willing to buy into the lie. ;-)

Sandra, definite camp. But he's also evil. He wants to take over the world. He muscles in on Fonz's territory, then he's Charles in Charge, and then he pushed out Henry Winkler yet again on Arrested Development! He's evil and he must be destroyed!

Pauly, should I change my name to Veloso just to make it clear?

Eve, we're doomed. And, yes, I meant Expendable Red-Shirted Ensign. I knew I forgot an adjective in there somewhere. Macauley Culkin? I feel even worse now to have to think of myself as a Culkin. Swinging paint cans or not.

Not sure what's up with the trackback. You should be able to plug in the Trackback URL (see above the comments) in the ping box of your own post. That should do the trick. I may find the Trackback URL for your post and repost mine with yours linked up as well.

Mikey, he was an evil bastard in that movie. Thankfully, though, his character's name was not Kevin.

Rabbit, thanks for the vote of confidence. Kevins the world over are indebtted to you!

[suze]

until recently, the only kevin i knew was a terror - he lived up to the evil kevin stereotype. Perhaps, because you are not of the evil kevins you were unaware of your name's nergoodnik ways until now.

[SJ]

My daughter was molested at the age of four by a teenage boy named . . . Kevin. For so many years, when I heard that name I pictured his evil face. I am happy to say that NOW, when I hear the name "Kevin," I immediately see that picture of you and Katie snow-kissing from last winter. It makes me happy, and I truly thank you for that, my goofilicious blogbud.

However, the next one that comes to mind is Stitch with your iPod earbuds on, and that scares me a little.

[Kevin]

Suze, "nergoodnik"?!?! NOOOOO!!!! I refuse to believe it! [rocking in the fetal position in the corner] Kevin is good! Kevin is good!

SJ, oh great. A molestation memory. Thankfully, I've taken some of the edge off that one. Happy to help my fellow goof.

What's wrong with Stitch? He's a cutie!

[Johnny C.]

Kevin from Home Alone!!

[Karl]

I don't think it helps the Kevins of the world that you admit to watching "Veronica's Closet." I'm just sayin'...

[Kevin]

Johnny, but, like I said in response to Eve's comment on the subject of Home Alone, it means I have to be compared to Macauley Culkin, and that's not exactly a positive tradeoff. Have you seen him in Party Monster? Freak.

Karl, nope! I'm safe! That was one of my IMDb search results, not a show I have personal experience with! I will never admit to watching Veronica's Closet, you lover of all VH-1 reality shows! Yeah, I read the comment on Mikey's blog! I'm outing you right here, right now!

[kilax]

Kevin, you just need to give in to your bad "kevinesque" nature - submit to the dark side!!!

[Jacynth]

Ok, Pauly D's comment is pretty darn funny. I never associated Kevin with evil...always with the nice guy, if that makes you feel any better. Represent for the Kevins, Kevin!

[Chase]

Even the quiver of "The O.C." on your lips should automatically revoke your man card...but I will refrain this time. Why? Because you have a big fat picture of the freaky wolf guy from Sin City! His character was so morbidly wonderful in that movie - tis my favorite part!!

And this now completes my "catching up on Kevin's blog" reading. *whew*

[Dave2]

I guess that makes me lucky to have gotten away with my life after we met up for that Depeche Mode concert, doesn't it?

[Kevin]

Yes, Darth Kilax. I will give in to my hate.

Jacynth, KEVIN REPRESENT!!!

Chase, I just keep ridin' the line with you, don't I? Elijah Wood creeped me out in Sin City. That was just wrong. But it does make me want to see Green Street Hooligans because I can now see him in freaky fighting mode.

Dave, you're damn right you're lucky! ;-)

[claire]

I dunno... I might rather be associated with bad guys than the "Claire, that's a fat girl's name..." speech.

[Belinda]

Yet MORE you have in common with my husband. Start noticing how many movie villains and just plain jerks are called "Alex." Seriously.

[Kevin]

Claire, I dunno. While I agree that you do probably get the "fat girl" comments from time to time, I have seen more than my fair share of hottie Claires on TV and movies. Just don't ask me where. ;-)

Belinda, yeah, Alex can be a bad one.

[Hyperion]

I truly think that everything that has happened with Kevin is a reaction to Costner. He ws so beloved, and then he went and made an Indian movie, won way too many Oscars, and thought he was God's Gift. First was the bad English accent (I loved Robin Hood, but you have to admit it doesn't hold up that well). Then you had Waterworld, which too wsa good, but such a bloated thing with a preach message. (Even more so for the virtually unwatchable The Postman. There have also been scores of other self-indulgent crap.

The Worm has turned, my friend, and you need look no farther than that.

Before Costner, you got all sorts of lovable Kevins, from the Wonder Years to Home Alone. Now....it will be a long time coming.

On the hand, quit your whining! At least you get mentioned. Do you know how many Hyperion's make the cut as characters; evil or not? At this point I would take a WNBA coach or a molestor politician; something!

[Kevin]

You make a damn good point. I've always known that Costner was pure evil. And, as I think about it, the timing is a bit too conspicuous to be just a coincidence. I like your thinking.