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You're a mean one, Mister Grinch...

Can somebody please explain to me what I did to piss off Hollywood so badly?

I don't know what it is, but it seems like every time I tune in to some TV show or movie, there is a bastard of a character and his name is Kevin.

Why? What did I do to you, Screenwriter's Guild of America, to deserve having my name dragged through the mud like this?

Kevin was always a good name. It was gentle. It was kind. It was very Irish and everyone loves Ireland, right?

Miscelijahkevin Several months ago, I watched Sin City for the first time, and that was the first time I began to notice this downward trend where "Kevin" was akin to "evil."

This particular Kevin was played by Elijah Wood. He was a frightfest to say the very least. Creeping around with his Coke-bottle glasses, impervious to any physical pain whatsoever. Yet more than willing to dish it out when Marv hasn't already splayed him against a tree.

I was happy to see that namesaker die.

Despite it being bad teenage melodrama, Katie and I still can't stop watching The O.C. I admit it, it's a guilty pleasure. Wha'cha gonna do about it (aside from Chase who will revoke my Man Card)? We watch it and we'll keep watching it. Everyone needs a little camp in their life, right?

Well, lately, Marissa (Mischa Barton) has been dating yet another bad boy. Go fig, right? This one's name is Volchok (Cam Gigandet) and he's just a badass surfer dude. Everything that no self-respecting Orange County girl should like, but typically does. I was fine with his character. If he was responsible for Marissa's untimely demise on the show... great.

However, as of a few weeks ago, I no longer wanted him to be quite so "bad." Care to guess why? I discovered his first name is Kevin. Gee, go friggin' figure!

Now I just want him to turn over a new leaf and be a good guy. Maybe bring Marissa back from the brink. The brink of what, I'm not quite sure. The writers have alluded to many potential scenarios. But I want none of them to involve Mr. Kevin Volchok.

Even Jason Bateman played a badguy named Kevin in the 2004 remake of Starsky & Hutch. C'mon, man! That's just not right.

With these three under my belt, I decided to perform an IMDb search for characters named Kevin. Yes, there are a ton; but I sifted through them nonetheless. I had a bone to pick and Hollywood was my target.

I take issue with the following Evil Kevins:

  • Kevin O'Donnell in Patriot Games - Patrick Bergin portrayed Kevin O'Donnell, the leader of a rogue branch of the IRA, opposite Harrison Ford's Jack Ryan. Not only does he give Kevins everywhere a bad name, but he's even single-handedly ruined the good Irish Kevin image I alluded to earlier. Bastard!
  • Kevin Carroll on 24 - in the first season of this masterpiece, a character named Kevin Carroll (played by Richard Burgi whom you all may know as Susan's ex-husband, Karl, on Desperate Housewives) did his level best to try to off our hero Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland).
  • Kevin O'Donnell in Coyote Ugly - dear God, another one?!?! This Kevin O'Donnell, played by Adam Garcia, was bad simply because of how he misled poor Jersey bumpkin, Violet (Piper Perabo), into believing he was a record producer. The prick!
  • Kevin Buckman in Parenthood - this was one of Steve Martin's kids in the movie. He wasn't a bad guy... just not all there. Terrible in sports, horrible in social situations, prone to emotional breakdowns, you name it. Actually, this is probably the closest portrayal to my own real self and that's why I hate him.
  • Kevin on Veronica's Closet - I don't know if he's "evil," per se; but he's played by Scott Baio. That's bad enough.

I want to see a return to the days where Jeff Bridges played Kevin Flynn in Tron. Better yet, how about when Fred Savage was Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years? Or, the only really positive portrayal of a Kevin in recent years... Michael J. Fox as Dr. Kevin Casey on Scrubs a few seasons back. Can it get any better than that?

This was when "Kevin" was synonymous with "hero" and "good guy."

Kevin was a guy you brought home to mom. A man you looked up to in the E.R. A guy whose shoulder you could cry on when your current relationship hit the skids. The person you could reliably turn to in a lightcycle race against Sark.

Kevin was good, Kevin was dependable, Kevin was fair... even if it was in a Master Control Program far, far away.