To the handshake drugs I bought downtown...
A week or so ago, I had a meeting with someone. No big deal as I have meetings with people all the time. I got my stuff together for this meeting and headed to the designated location. When I arrived, I was ushered in to his office by his secretary. He stood up from his desk and came over to greet me with an outstretched hand. I took that hand and...
As I went in for full-thumb-to-forefinger-web contact, he closed down his grasp on my fingers. My fingers!!! It was a firm pansyshake, but still not a complete web-to-web, palm-on-palm handshake.
I thought maybe it was a timing fluke. But then he did it again as I was leaving!
Gah! There are few things I hate worse in this world than a weak handshake.
So, I'd like to take a moment to point out some keys to delivering a proper handshake:
- Allow time for a person's hand to completely meet yours. The webbing between your thumb and forefinger should make contact with that same point on your recipient's hand.
- Close your fingers and thumb around their hand firmly. Not too hard, though. Here's a tip to help you figure out how much pressure to apply: if it can crush an egg, that's a bit too much; if a Nerf ball would be safe in your clutches, you're being a pansy. Practice at home.
- Shake hands up and down once or twice. Typically, if you've shaken hands enough times with people, you gain an instinctual feel for when they want to stop. If they seem like they want to stop pretty soon, go for it. If they don't stop, then you should initiate the termination (rather oxymoronic, eh?) after one or two up-and-down motions.
- Don't go for grandiose up-and-down swings. A couple inches of movement will do just fine.
- Save the empty-hand-on-shoulder or two-handed handshakes for the politicians of the world. A single-handed shake will serve perfectly in most occasions.
- Even if their hands are sweaty, do not visibly dry or brush off your hand. Wait until you're seated or they are moving away from you and you can wipe your hand on your pants discretely. Calling out someone on sweaty palms, even if unintentional, can be rather humiliating. And make sure to find a bathroom after the meeting to wash your hands. It can't hurt.
If the person whose hand you are shaking violates one of these rules, there's nothing you can do about it except gripe to others like I am now. But it's no fault of your own so long as you tried. Don't attempt to correct them on their pansyshake in mid-shake, that's just bad form. Besides, how awkward would it be if you grabbed their hand with your open hand to reposition it?
If you follow these simple guidelines, you'll give a perfect handshake every time, people will be impressed, you'll get business deals (I can't guarantee that one), and soapboxers like me won't call you out on their blogs.
Kapgar.com: Committed to the fight against Pansyshaking (TM)
(image from fellow Typepadder HughesforAmerica)
AMEN, brotha!!
That's one of my pet peeves. I hate sissy handshakers...it's like grabbing onto a half-limp lasagna noodle. It just feels gross.
And a word to the ladies - just because you're a woman doesn't mean you can't shake hands. Don't do the palms-down shake - that's only for royalty and really REALLY gay guys.
Thank you for the PSA, Kevin. I'm right behind ya!
*goose*
Posted by: Chase | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 10:26 AM
I gave up on handshakes and just greet people with a nice bitch-slap now.
Posted by: Dave2 | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 10:47 AM
I was meeting with a coworker, with someone we were meeting for the first time. My coworker, the more senior of the bunch introduced herself, when this person outstretched her hand, my coworker refused to take it. So I stepped in as suavely as I could. This was defintely a handshake moment. I mean seriously... nothing ruder than being left standing there with an outstretched hand.
Posted by: Nat | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 11:21 AM
Is it wrong to just slap someone's ass instead?
Posted by: sandra | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 02:33 PM
I hate weak handshakes, but crushers sort of piss me off more since crushing seems more like an intentional power play. I'll crush back if it comes to it since it's the only way to keep your own hand from a lot of pain- sort of like waves cancelling each other out.
Posted by: claire | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 03:30 PM
Ugh, I hate the Lipm Fish - where they grasp you, but then their hand is like a wet noodle. The opposite of that always being the jock asshole who thinks crushing your knuckles is a fabulous way to alert you to his brure strength.
Posted by: Carly | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 04:09 PM
i really couldn't agree with you more kevin. this is a very important public service announcement. a weak handshake is really such a turn off. it's as bad as one of those half-assed, bend in at the waist, pat you on the back rushed hugs. just don't touch me if you are going to be so . . . mediocre, is what i say. ;)
Posted by: ms. sizzle | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 04:53 PM
Chase, so goosing is allowed! And I thought that would wind up with me in a one-on-one session with a sexual harrassment counselor and some permanent record with SHRM. My day just got SO better!
Dave, I didn't warrant a bitchslap back in November?!?! I'm hurt that I wasn't hurt.
Nat, oh, that is a cardinal sin! Seriously. Just left her hanging like that? You should've kicked your coworker. Give me their address and I'll make a housecall.
Sandra, absolutely not. Slap away! I expect one in August!
Claire and Carly, hence why I said that egg-crushing power is too much. My suggestion the next time this happens...
1. pull the person forward with the shaking hand and then grab onto testicles with free hand
2. look this person in the eye and say, "would you like me to squeeze you as hard as you are squeezing me?"
3. Remind me never to shake your hand. I wouldn't want to accidentally screw it up.
Sizzle, so when we do meet, I now have permission to come in for a full-press hug? Rubbing on the back and everything? Cool. ;-)
Posted by: Kevin | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 07:52 PM
I started the bitch-slap greeting back in January.
Don't worry... next time I'll be sure you get a slap.
:-)
Posted by: Dave2 | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 08:05 PM
Score!
Posted by: Kevin | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 08:07 PM
Eh, sexual harrassment isn't usually an issue when I'm around - unless I'm the guilty one. I guess that's what happens when you grow up with two older brothers. You don't take offense to too many things.
(Don't get any ideas)
(unless they're really good ones)
Posted by: Chase | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 08:12 PM
Considering my luck, I'd have to make it a REALLY good one as I'd likely never be able to do it again other than with my big, tattoo'd cellmate, Bubba.
Posted by: Kevin | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 08:15 PM
Whenever I get a limp handshake like that, I lift my hand up to the shake-givers lips so they can kiss it like I'm a princess. I mean, if you're going to be all delicate, at least go all the way.
[OK, so I've never really done that, but I think about it every time. Doesn't that count for something?]
Posted by: jenny | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 08:32 PM
Crushing back just seems more subtle than 1 or 2. And the kicker with these people is that some of them consider a regular firm shake weak, so crushing back really is the way to go.
No worries if we meet, as long as you... well ok, maybe worries are allowed. I suppose it's my general tendency to give back what people give in a shake, though if it's really weak, mine grip will likely be firmer. I say let's go for it, I've got faith in us.
Posted by: claire | Sunday, 19 March 2006 at 10:20 PM
Jenny, I worry that the pansyshakers are expecting me to do just that with their hands. And there's no way I'm kissing a guy's hand, royalty or not.
Claire, you'll love me, then. My handshake is firm, but not crushing. I've been perfecting it for years. I think I have it down to a science now, so long as the recipient doesn't quash my efforts.
Posted by: Kevin | Monday, 20 March 2006 at 09:36 AM
Considering your stance, I highly doubt you'd screw up a handshake. But it's really that much of a woirry, a hug will suffice.
Posted by: Carly | Tuesday, 21 March 2006 at 01:24 PM
Or play it safe and go with both!
Posted by: Kevin | Tuesday, 21 March 2006 at 04:47 PM
Initiate the termination. Initiate the termination!!
No wonder I like you.
Posted by: Belinda | Wednesday, 22 March 2006 at 04:10 AM
I'll get that heads up targeting system installed before my next meeting with him. Then I can view the whole thing from a Terminator point of view. Niiiiiccceeeeee!
Posted by: Kevin | Wednesday, 22 March 2006 at 06:55 AM
My dad taught me, "Shake a man's hand firmly (as you so efficiently described), and a woman's hand as hard as she shakes yours." That may seem sexist, but I think you should amend your theory.
Posted by: Hyperion | Friday, 31 March 2006 at 07:58 PM
Hyperion, I can understand that to some degree. But I've also met women who intentionally shake weak to gauge the man's response. They still want the man to shake firm (maybe not as firm as with another guy) just to see that they're not pansyshakers. Women are just as turned off by weak handshakes as men are.
Posted by: Kevin | Saturday, 01 April 2006 at 08:59 AM