An open letter to Dennis Haskins...
Dear Mr. Haskins,
For years, I watched as you adeptly played the role of Principal Richard Belding on two of my favorite childhood television shows, Good Morning, Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell. For years, I watched as you struggled to maintain control in a junior high and high school that was plagued with a high rate of teacher turnover and forced to work its way through a literal transplant from the rolling meadows of Indiana to the surf and turf of California. All the while dealing with the junior terror that was Zach Morris.
You were put through the ringer on multiple occasions by Morris and his hoodlum buddies Lisa, Screech, Nikki, and Mikey (in the early years) and Lisa, Screech, Kelly, A.C., and Jessie (once they reached high school). They constantly used your hallowed hallways as places in which to party and sell God-only-knows what (I still maintain that Zach was the overseer of an extensive drug empire in the school). They pulled pranks, ran a pirate radio station, stole other schools' mascots, trashed your new convertible, and abused underclassmen.
But you put up with it. And you did so, arguably, with grace and dignity.
I admired the hell out of you, Mr. Belding. And, I feel for good reason. You were a role model. You didn't hide yourself from the goings on in your school by boarding yourself up in your office. Oh no! You got right out there in the middle of it all! That is proactiveness.
Did you ever rely on an assistant principal or dean? Nope!
Hell, did you even have an assistant principal or dean? I somehow doubt it. Who needed them! That would've been a waste of taxpayer dollars! Tough guy with a heart of gold Richard Belding would take care of it all on his own.
That was the code of the schoolyard for you!
You were the Rambo of Bayside!
You were "da man"!
You were the person I always hoped would show up in my high school when the door to the principal's office opened.
So, imagine my surprise when I opened my e-mail and found this...
That's right! An e-mail from the one and only Dennis Haskins! WooT! (please ignore the "Sxy_Wife" who is "craving cock.")
I was so excited. The man, the myth, the principal was e-mailing li'l ol' me!
I was flabbergasted, honored, enthralled, you name it. It was likely to be the pinnacle of my online life.
I'll bet you can also imagine my dismay when I opened the e-mail only to discover that I was spammed. Someone, maybe you, was using your name, the name I so often associated with the greatest principal ever to grace the screen, be it the small or the silver one.
But my pain was not alleviated by one of your life lessons. I was cheated. I was wronged. I was misled. I was bamboozled!
Why Mr. Belding/Haskins? Why would you do this to your faithful fans?
Had we wronged you somehow?
Were you still bitter that none of us diehards tuned in to Saved by the Bell: The New Class. That was years ago. Can't you forgive us after all this time? Those of us who were in it for the long haul (read: "the Zach Morris era"), were already well into our college years and, in all honesty, the new show... well... it sucked. In hindsight, even you should be able to admit this.
Please Mr. Belding/Haskins, please end your reign of spam terror. Or, if it's not you and some limey bastard is impersonating you on the Web, please hire Zach Morris to hunt them down and try them to the fullest extent of the law. After all, I heard he had a brief stint with the NYPD after his time at Bayside High. I'm sure, as an alum, he would be willing to accept an olive branch of peace and bring down those sick bastards.
P.S. I am still willing to accept mail from you. But could you please include an autographed photo next time?