Music... makes the people... come together...
Pittsburgh's goin' to the Super Bowl...

99 ways to die (we're not ready to see you yet)...

I found this post on Roveberg.  His instructions are to use Google to discover how you and, perhaps, others are going to die.  Basically, just type the following line -- "[your name] was killed by" -- in Google.  Put your first name only in where appropriate and use the quotation marks.

Sound morbid?  Well, yes, it is.  But I am one morbidly curious bastard.  So, of course, I checked it out.

Here's what I got...

"Kevin was killed by drug-dealers because his brother had failed to pay a debt" - thanks for getting my back, bro.  Really appreciate it.

"Kevin was killed by the Chicago police—shot in the back of the leg and head" - actually, the CPD somehow wound up in several of the results involving my death and that's just on the first page.  Really makes me want to never visit the city again.  And it's even creepier because I live so close to Chicago yet never prompted Google to search for Chicago-based results and here it found them anyway.

Both of these were the first result of my search.

A little further down the results page, though, we find...

"Kevin was killed by an alien that got loose in the facility" - alrighty then.  I apparently now work in Area 51.

But why end my fun there?  I figured, let's take this a bit further.  I decided to look up several family members and friends/bloggers.  Just in case you don't want to read them, avoid the extended post.

Just so you know, I'm only picking interesting results, not necessarily the first one to come up in the search.

Katie (mi esposa) -

"Katie was killed by a speeding car while training for her first high school cross country season in 1998" - good thing my Katie was a swimmer and tennis player, eh?

"Katie was killed by the young man she had dated off and on since high school" - for the record, I didn't meet Katie until we were both in college.  I'm innocent of all charges!

Brian (mi hermano; but also works for my friend Brian) -

Most of his results were in reference to someone dying as a result of the war in Iraq.  I'll skip those.

"Brian was killed by enemies and his Druid Drithliu escaped into hiding on Muckloon Hill" - my brother had a Druish Princess?

Wayne (mi papa) -

"Wayne was killed by Tony Danza and people like it and don't care about Wayne Brady" - uhhh.... okay.

Sue (mi mama) -

"Sue was killed by having the left side of her face ripped off" - Ironically enough, this is in reference to the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton named Sue on display in the Field Museum in Chicago.  This has been a family joke for years.  My parents house has Sue mousepads and posters everywhere, much to my mom's chagrin.

Bill (mi tio) -

Most of the results were about bills being killed in Congress.  Boring.  The rest are about cowboys and criminals in the Old West.  FUN!

"Curly Bill was killed by their posse, near Iron Springs, shot with two blasts from Wyatt Earps shotgun."

"Wild Bill was killed by Jack McCall at Deadwood in 1876"

Judy (mi tia) -

"Judy was killed by stomach injection" - how's that one work?

Kay (mi abuela) -

"Kay was killed by an elephant the week prior to the CPBBD" - Nano, stay away from Cape Parrot Big Birding Day in South Africa!

Paul (my father in law - don't know this one in Spanish) -

"Paul was killed by Vatican officials" - is Catholicism really worth this?

Marj (my mother in law) -

No results.  Saved by an uncommon spelling of her name.  Not even "Marjory" worked.

Scott (my brother in law) -

"Scott was killed by members of the Modoc tribe in 1858 at Goose Lake in Klamath County in Southern Oregon" - never heard of the Modoc tribe.

Steven (my other brother in law) -

"Steven, was killed by a power window in 1998" - the mental image of that is cracking me up.

Allison (friend) -

"Allison was killed by flying shrapnel while performing two maintenance functions that are not supposed to be performed simultaneously" - WTF?

Eric (friend) -

"Eric was killed by Xavier's associate Tom Corsi in the Brother's first recorded terrorist attack against a private school" - apparently some X-Men reference.

Jason (friend) -

"Jason was killed by water and Freddy was killed by fire" - the movie Freddy vs. Jason.

Graham (friend) -

"Graham was killed by a large grizzly bear, while after a load of willows three and one-half miles southeast of the fort on Little Bear River" - apparently not as tough as Davy Crockett who "killed him a bahr when he was only three."

Frank (friend) -

"Frank was killed by a runaway team of horses" - I think this is about Frank James, the outlaw.

Dave ( -

"Dave was killed by a wagon wheel crushing his head" - there seems to be an Old West theme of sorts going on here.

Johnny C. ( -

"Johnny was killed by the State of Louisiana in April 1997" - how'd you manage to piss off the entire state?!?!

Suzi ( -

"Suzi was killed by the LAPD. The eighteen month old was being used as a human shield by her father, who was high on cocaine, and drunk" - that would make for a great Hollywood script!

Sandra ( -

"Sandra was killed by a hit and run driver in San Francisco on June 13, 1971" - not the most interesting result until you realize that the real Sandra does live in San Francisco.  Almost as creepy as my Chicago results.

Pauly ( -

"Pauly was killed by a stray bullet while crossing Minnesota Street" - okay, admittedly, this is about somebody named Emily Pauly, but you should probably avoid Minnesota Street all the same, Pauly.

Kilax, AKA Kim ( -

"Kim was killed by her own government because she was suspected of spying for the United States or another Western power" - shame, shame.

Alissa ( -

Hmmm... couldn't find anything.

Carly ( -

Again, couldn't find anything.  Saved by a not-so-common name.

Ryan ( -

"Ryan was killed by cult members as he attempted to leave after an investigatory visit" - actually in reference to some Congressman, but still funny.

Xtine, AKA Christine ( -

"Christine was killed by Kalas. He took the disc containing the information about The Watchers and the existence of the immortals" - some messed-up Wikipedia entry.

Jen ( -

"Jen was killed by the hunting dogs" - good thing you're a cat person.

Rabbit ( -

"rabbit was killed by a cross-eyed person under a full moon" - something about superstitions.  Dunno.

Jackie ( -

"Jackie, was killed by a stalker in front of a TV news crew and a police officer in downtown Cedar Rapids, Iowa" - and people wonder why I think Iowa is evil.

Nicole ( -

"Nicole was killed by the Mafia for stealing coke from them" - I find this ironic because it comes from a site called frogz777's Xanga Site and Nicole's site is Sleepy Froggie.

Shane ( -

"Shane was killed by an unanchored soccer net at Loyola Park" - that had to be interesting to see.  The other options involved home invasions and friendly fire incidents.

Claire ( -

"Claire was killed by someone known as the Mysterious Man" - which leads us to...

Magazine Man, AKA MM ( -

"MM was killed by a drug enema, as she slipped into unconciousness, her muscles would have relaxed" - in reference to conspiracies about Marilyn Monroe's death.

Wil ( -

"Oh my god, Wil was killed by Kenny!" - about Washington Nationals pinerider Wil Cordero being designated to the minor leagues.


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.


I was crossing my fingers for "Dave was killed by a crack-whore" but no such luck... A WAGON WHEEL?!?

Somebody on LiveJournal found a nice assortment of deaths for "Dave" already...

Still no crack-whores. Or skydiving. That would be a nice way to go!

Pauly D

I am so avoiding Minnesota streets from here on out. And women named Emily.



Hunting dogs?! I knew I shouldn't have worn that fox coat while walking out in the fields in England. Coooool.


Dave, how about if you were to skydive onto a crack whore? Would that kill two birds with one stone in your mind?

Pauly D, though I have no experience with women named Emily, erring on the side of caution is always recommended.

Jenny, I warned you against that one. Did you forget what happened with the ASPCA last month?


I think I'm staying inside on June 13 (good warning!)

I really did like the wagon wheel.


Yeah, I'd stay in. This will be the 35th anniversary of your demise.

I think Dave needs to have a wagon wheel fitted around himself as his Halloween costume this year.


This is morbidly appealling, and also reassuring because google only came up with 3 pages for mine.

Drunk drivers seem most popular followed by my husband- that seems a bit grizzly, hammer blows/buried in the garden. There's a reason to skip marriage.

My fave was yours and this one:
Claire, was killed by 'The Arm Of Death'.

Aren't we all? ;]


But which one of mine. I was killed by drug dealers, resurrected, killed by the CPD, resurrected, and then killed by an errant alien.

My life is not fun right now.


Imagine my surprise when I discovered today that you had linked me in a post where you speculated about how I could die. Although, it's a pretty interesting way to go, I must say.


Were you googling ways in which you would die or was this a Technorati link search? I can't believe you missed this one!

The comments to this entry are closed.